Conflict can trigger intense stress for many people. While some manage to brush off disagreements, others feel tense or anxious until the situation resolves. For certain individuals, the knowledge that someone is upset can dominate thoughts and affect daily life. Understanding why this happens requires looking at deeper patterns in emotional responses.
Dr. Nicole Cain, ND, MA, EMDR—a trauma-informed psychotherapist and author of “Panic Proof: The New Holistic Solution to End Your Anxiety Forever”—explains that these reactions often “stem from deeper emotional patterns, past experiences and even nervous system wiring.”
Feeling unable to relax when someone is mad does not mean something is wrong. It is often a natural response of the mind and body trying to protect itself.
Why Emotional Stress Feels Like a Threat
When emotions flare, the body reacts as if it’s bracing for impact. The amygdala—the brain’s alarm system—flags the tension as danger, even if no real threat exists. Heart rate spikes, muscles tighten, and the stomach knots up. It’s the same primal response designed to help us survive, now triggered by something as simple as a disagreement.
Dr. Cain says this sensitivity often traces back to childhood. “If anger or tension once meant danger, your nervous system learns to stay on guard,” she explains. Those raised in chaotic or unpredictable homes tend to develop hypervigilance—a habit of tracking others’ moods as a way to stay safe.
During conflict, the brain’s logical center—the prefrontal cortex—tries to step in and find solutions. But the amygdala tends to hijack the process. Instead of calm reasoning, you get mental overdrive: analyzing every word, replaying the argument, and second-guessing what went wrong. The result is exhaustion and a body that stays stressed long after the moment has passed.
9 Traits Linked to Difficulty Relaxing
Dr. Cain identifies several emotional and behavioral traits common among people who feel heightened anxiety during conflict:
- Hypervigilance – Always scanning for signs of tension or disapproval. “People from chaotic environments often stay alert, reading every tone and expression for danger,” says Dr. Cain.
- People-Pleasing – A form of the fawn response that prioritizes harmony over personal needs.
- Fear of Rejection or Abandonment – When connection feels fragile, any disagreement can feel threatening. “If rejection shaped your past, even a small rupture can feel unsafe,” notes Dr. Cain.
- Overthinking and Rumination – Endless mental rewinds of what was said or how to fix it.
- Difficulty Setting Boundaries – Feeling responsible for everyone’s emotions makes limits feel selfish. “You may believe it’s your job to fix others’ feelings,” says Dr. Cain.
- High Empathy – Deep sensitivity can blur emotional boundaries, making others’ stress feel like your own.
- Perfectionism – Conflict feels like failure. “When someone’s upset with you, it can feel like proof you’ve fallen short,” Dr. Cain explains.
- Low Self-Worth – Criticism confirms internal fears of inadequacy.
- Anxious Attachment – Arguments spark panic over losing closeness, driving a need for reassurance.
Ways to Ease Anxiety
Managing the stress that comes from someone else’s anger or disappointment starts with awareness—and small, steady actions to ground yourself. Dr. Cain suggests beginning with simple techniques that calm the body’s stress response.
Breathe with purpose.
Try slow, even breaths or inhale through the left nostril—both tell your body that it’s safe.
Use cold water.
A splash of water on your face or a cold compress can trigger the body’s calming “dive reflex,” lowering your heart rate.
Name what you’re feeling.
Labeling emotions like guilt, fear, or sadness helps them lose their intensity and gives you a clearer view of what’s really happening.
Dr. Cain also advises focusing on what’s within your control: your reactions, communication style, and self-care. Extending compassion toward yourself—recognizing that mistakes don’t define your worth—can ease anxiety.
When possible, gentle outreach can clear the air. A simple message such as, “I sensed some tension earlier—are we okay?” often helps lift uncertainty.
When resolution has to wait, reach for support. Talk to someone you trust or a therapist who can help you make sense of what you’re feeling.
Finding Calm in Conflict
Difficulty relaxing when emotions run high often has deep roots, but with awareness and practice, calm becomes easier to find. As Dr. Cain says, understanding how your body reacts is the first step toward emotional steadiness and healthier relationships.